


Of Cursed Dilemmas

by mysk



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Gen, Internal Monologue, Intrusive Thoughts, Not Beta Read, Pre-Time Skip, Religious Guilt, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 16:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysk/pseuds/mysk
Summary: The thoughts that race through Marianne's head every day truly are what she deserves.(Specific triggers in beginning note.)





	Of Cursed Dilemmas

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written with inspiration from my own experiences with the religious symptoms of Primarily-O OCD, and so is partially a vent fic. Marianne thinks about deserving suffering, death, starvation, and more. Please do not read if this fic will trigger you, and if you are able to, please seek help if you find yourself having similar thoughts about your own life regularly as well.

_'Until the day I die, I will be nothing but the Beast. And no one will forgive me, as no one should forgive me, and for some reason I still can't turn off the sorrow that knowing this gives me. And so I pray, sniveling like a child as I subconsciously crave the joy I will never deserve._

_'I do not even know why I pray, for one like me does not deserve salvation. Asking for forgiveness is nothing but an easy way to feel exempt from your sins and take advantage of our Goddess' kindness. Perhaps I'm just confessing my sins so that She knows I am aware of them, but what purpose does that even hold? Am I just thoughtlessly inconveniencing Her as a selfish form of catharsis? That must be it. How awful of me. She doesn't deserve this. The world doesn't deserve me. I want to disappear forever, but I do not deserve to ever get what I want. But I know the world needs to be free of me for it to have a chance of being a good place._

_'To free myself from this world would mean to relieve others of the misfortune my existence brings, and so I always beg this of her, as if I am some sort of martyr who wishes to sacrifice my life to achieve feeling as if I committed a good deed. But it also would mean to run away from the suffering that I so rightfully deserve, and I don't believe that I deserve to end this all so easily. If anything, I think that would make me such more worse a person than everyone else, who's brave enough to push through life despite its struggles. Not only that, but I would be running away from the karma I have earned by my birth. And so everyone is stuck with me, and so the sins crawling on my back suffocate me more and more every day. It's hard to even weigh which is worse - my existence or the thought of me denying what my existence deserves. I suppose that in itself is part of the curse._

_'Why am I even having such disrespectful thoughts? Isn't a mortal like me assuming what the Goddess would think a sin in itself? But my mind won't cease. To me, that's just further proof that my very existance is blasphemous, if I don't even have the self control to repress these thoughts._

_'To live is to be selfish. To die is to be selfish. To ask for the Goddess' love is selfish. To deny Her in Her glory is selfish. Is it possible in life to even avoid being selfish? What is it like for others without my curse? Is there a reality without this pain, or does everyone else ignore it? That seems more likely, and it would explain why someone as sensitive as me is always suffering under the weight of it. Maybe, in the end, that was the punishment that The Goddess chose for me. I would feel this way forever. And so I will be trapped in this neverending cycle forever._

_'The Goddess has most likely already condemned me to my fate for having these blasphemous thoughts in the first place. And so I suppose the best I can do for Her and everyone else while still getting what I deserve is to slowly wither away. I will disappear from everyone else but I will not run from my own suffering, never again will I leave this room, and so every day as I starve and decompose the slow agony towards my death will be my eternal reminder of the Crest I bear and the suffering my life has brought to everyone I've met and-'_

"Marianne!"

The sound of knocking removed her from her trance. Her dark eye's drifted from her ceiling to the door as she listened to Hilda knock.

"Heyyy, it's dinner time, I heard Ashe is cooking tonight so I'm super excited! Come on out, Lysithea's mad at me right now and I don't wanna be around guys tonight."

_'To go would be to feel joy, to eat would be to survive, to survive would be to-'_

"Marianne? You in there?"

"... Yes. I'm coming, Hilda..."

Marianne stood up from her bed, quickly wiped the tears off of her cheeks, and made her way to the door for reasons she couldn't explain.

"Goddess, forgive me," she muttered to herself compulsively, only to curse herself for asking for such a thing in the first place.

Surely she was damned.

**Author's Note:**

> Marianne doesn't deserve any of this, and I headcanon that after the timeskip, her intrusive thoughts are a lot less common!
> 
> If you feel this way, too, then I want you to always remember that you don't deserve it, either.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @Liz_Pecan, and let's be friends!


End file.
